Dizzy for Dragonflies: 2017

On Saturday, October 28 I received a private message from an old friend that simply said I should call her, with her number, and that it was about Marc. I looked at the message, not really reading it, but just kind of stared at it. I stared because it was unexpected. I stared because I knew what it was about, but I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to re-read it and have it say something different, but I knew it wouldn't.

That was around 11 in the morning. I used the excuse that I had to taxi Darcy around all day to avoid calling - because I knew. Finally my taxiing was done, but supper had to be made! Again, avoiding that call. Kevin was helping and finally I just couldn't put it off any longer and I made the call around 6:00.

Nathalie gave me the tragic news that Marc had passed away on Thursday, October 26. Marc, the Marc that I once loved, had taken his own life.

I learned that Marc was single and did not have any children.

I cannot say I was surprised by his suicide, but I was - I am - deeply saddened by it. When we went our separate ways in 2005 all I wanted for him was to live his life and be happy. Clearly, he was not.

The above notice was posted on FB by his closest friends and his mom, Francine. I was happy to see that he was still close with JF and Audree. One of the pictures they shared with the post (the above picture) was one I took in ~2000 in our apartment on Atwater.

July 2004.

Angie, Audree, JF and Marc. Marc and JF shared the same birthday, July 10, 1975.

Then I found this posted:

A gathering would take place for Marc's family and friends to say goodbye.

I suppose I could have changed my plans for the next day and paid my respects, but , no I couldn't. It was too sudden. Marc had been gone from my life for over ten years. That didn't mean I didn't still think of him, we even communicated the odd time via PM, but I kind of felt I didn't have the right to go; didn't have the right to be sad because I chose not have him in my life. Nathalie told me people asked about me. Some people I hadn't spoken to for over a decade found me via Facebook and sent me messages and called. Despite the circumstances, it has been great to re-connect with these people.

1999 - Charla and Paul's wedding

Our trip to BC in 2000

Here is what I posted:

October 30, 2017 12:09 a.m.

I can’t believe it.

Marc was a big part of my life. That decade was a crooked, bumpy road with many wrong turns, but sometimes we took flight (figuratively and literally) and went on some great adventures.

We may not have seen each other for many years, but we communicated occasionally and he will never be forgotten.

My deepest sympathy goes out to his mom, his many aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. May he finally find the peace he was looking for.

Take flight, Marc, and go on your greatest adventure yet.

This goofy pic was taken on our Universal Studios Hollywood adventure, 2002.

It took time for me to reach out to Marc's mom. I was told I could contact her via FB messenger, so I sat down to write something to her. It took me 2 hours to find what I hope were the right words. What do you say to a mom who lost her son? Really, what?

Las Vegas, 2002

(This was when I was living in Riverside, CA and Marc came to visit me for a week in the summer. We took a weekend trip to Las Vegas.)

It took me 5 nights to finally get a night's sleep. That first night I was up all night, my mind flooded with memories of our trips, of studying together at John Abbott, watching 9/11 live on TV together, airplane museums, so many airplane museums!

Marc took this picture of me at the National Museum of Aviation in 1999

Cape Hateras, North Carolina 2004

While we were in North Corolina, we of couse visited the Wright Brothers museum in Kitty Hawk.

Marc took this picture at The Museum of Flight in Seattle, 2002.

Then my imagination kept sleep at bay. Day and night I was plagued by visions of his final days, hours, moments. I still get horrible visions, but less so. I feel for any human being suffering, and this was a human being I once loved. The thoughts of his anguish, the decision-making process and his ending are disturbing. I have to just keep reminding myself he is at peace.

Please, my friends and family, please know that my door is always open. No questions asked. I can't guarantee you a peaceful, calm setting because it's kind of a zoo around here, but it is warm and safe here. You can talk my ear off or sit and just be. If you don't want to talk to me, we have 3 cats, 2 birds and a dog who always listen and rarely talk back. I know my way around the kitchen and you will be fed and served coffee (or a beer!); I may not have much, but we can share it. If you are far away, my "door" can be a call, a text, an email...don't be afraid to reach out. Someone is listening. You are not alone.