Marc

On Saturday, October 28 I received a private message from an old friend that simply said I should call her, with her number, and that it was about Marc. I looked at the message, not really reading it, but just kind of stared at it. I stared because it was unexpected. I stared because I knew what it was about, but I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to re-read it and have it say something different, but I knew it wouldn't.

That was around 11 in the morning. I used the excuse that I had to taxi Darcy around all day to avoid calling - because I knew. Finally my taxiing was done, but supper had to be made! Again, avoiding that call. Kevin was helping and finally I just couldn't put it off any longer and I made the call around 6:00.

Nathalie gave me the tragic news that Marc had passed away on Thursday, October 26. Marc, the Marc that I once loved, had taken his own life.

I learned that Marc was single and did not have any children.

I cannot say I was surprised by his suicide, but I was - I am - deeply saddened by it. When we went our separate ways in 2005 all I wanted for him was to live his life and be happy. Clearly, he was not.

The above notice was posted on FB by his closest friends and his mom, Francine. I was happy to see that he was still close with JF and Audree. One of the pictures they shared with the post (the above picture) was one I took in ~2000 in our apartment on Atwater.

July 2004.

Angie, Audree, JF and Marc. Marc and JF shared the same birthday, July 10, 1975.

Then I found this posted:

A gathering would take place for Marc's family and friends to say goodbye. 

I suppose I could have changed my plans for the next day and paid my respects, but , no I couldn't. It was too sudden. Marc had been gone from my life for over ten years. That didn't mean I didn't still think of him, we even communicated the odd time via PM, but I kind of felt I didn't have the right to go; didn't have the right to be sad because I chose not have him in my life. Nathalie told me people asked about me. Some people I hadn't spoken to for over a decade found me via Facebook and sent me messages and called. Despite the circumstances, it has been great to re-connect with these people. 

1999 - Charla and Paul's wedding

Our trip to BC in 2000

Here is what I posted:

October 30, 2017 12:09 a.m.

I can’t believe it.

Marc was a big part of my life. That decade was a crooked, bumpy road with many wrong turns, but sometimes we took flight (figuratively and literally) and went on some great adventures.

We may not have seen each other for many years, but we communicated occasionally and he will never be forgotten.

My deepest sympathy goes out to his mom, his many aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. May he finally find the peace he was looking for.

Take flight, Marc, and go on your greatest adventure yet.

This goofy pic was taken on our Universal Studios Hollywood adventure, 2002.

It took time for me to reach out to Marc's mom. I was told I could contact her via FB messenger, so I sat down to write something to her. It took me 2 hours to find what I hope were the right words. What do you say to a mom who lost her son? Really, what?

Las Vegas, 2002

(This was when I was living in Riverside, CA and Marc came to visit me for a week in the summer. We took a weekend trip to Las Vegas.)

It took me 5 nights to finally get a night's sleep. That first night I was up all night, my mind flooded with memories of our trips, of studying together at John Abbott, watching 9/11 live on TV together, airplane museums, so many airplane museums!

Marc took this picture of me at the National Museum of Aviation  in 1999

Cape Hateras, North Carolina 2004

While we were in North Corolina, we of couse visited the Wright Brothers museum in Kitty Hawk.

Marc took this picture at The Museum of Flight in Seattle, 2002.

Then my imagination kept sleep at bay. Day and night I was plagued by visions of his final days, hours, moments. I still get horrible visions, but less so. I feel for any human being suffering, and this was a human being I once loved. The thoughts of his anguish, the decision-making process and his ending are disturbing.  I have to just keep reminding myself he is at peace. 

Please, my friends and family, please know that my door is always open. No questions asked. I can't guarantee you a peaceful, calm setting because it's kind of a zoo around here, but it is warm and safe here. You can talk my ear off or sit and just be. If you don't want to talk to me, we have 3 cats, 2 birds and a dog who always listen and rarely talk back. I know my way around the kitchen and you will be fed and served coffee (or a beer!); I may not have much, but we can share it. If you are far away, my "door" can be a call, a text, an email...don't be afraid to reach out. Someone is listening. You are not alone.

Driving home from Riverside, Marc and Tigger in my Integra. November 2002.

They are both gone, now. 

Marc

July 10, 1975 - October 26, 2017

Tigger

May 1, 2000 - July 14, 2016

Rest in peace, Marc. 

Tribute to Tigger (June 21, 2016)

Cancer sucks, even for pets! 

I noticed a sore on Tigger's lip mid-May.

I know he fights with his brother and gets little scabs, so I didn't think anything of it. He was acting normal. At that time I was really in end-of-the-school-year crunch. There were field trips to prepare for for both kids, Girl Guide outings, field trips for my own class, opening the cottage, my gardening clients to take care of, the closing ceremony movie to make for preschool, not to mention the daily grind of a family of 4 and my 2 normal jobs at school. So... by June 21, my last day of work at school, and Tigger was getting worse, I took him to the vet.

He looks perfectly adorable, but the left side of his face was slightly swollen.

The vet examined him and diagnosed the big C...cancer. Wide spread cancer. OMG! The vet and I agreed that for a 16 year old cat it did not make sense to do invasive and costly treatments.

To make matters worse, Darcy had not been feeling well when I finished preschool, so I picked her up and she was with me at the vet. She heard the diagnosis and the prognosis that without treatment Tigger has at best a few months to live. The poor child was devastated. I forced myself to be strong for her and managed to keep my tears at bay until later that day. 

On June 23 I brought Tiggie up to the lake, his favourite place. He was allowed to drink lake water out of the bathtub and roam around outside, with supervision. 

June 26, Danny and Tiggie

July 5, the swelling is more noticable.

You can see the raw-looking skin here. By this time I could feel lumps in his neck. The tumours were growing very quickly.

Brothers, July 10 (Kevin and my Anniversary, by the way. 9 years!). The bump is bigger and moving down his neck making his voice change.

July 12, Tiggie watching Darcy in HIS bathtub. He was not having a good day. I had to put his food bowl in the bathtub to get him to eat a bit. 

Tigger jumped off the living room chair to come and eat, but some how landed on or tripped on a doll stroller. Then he was mad at me, ran away from me with his mouth bleeding and refused to eat. He finally ate some cheese and some left over fish, which he loved. I was worried it would make him sick, but at this point I figured I might as well spoil him.

I sat on the couch and he came and lay down next to me and purred. I was so relieved he wasn't shying away anymore. I treasured the moment knowing there wouldn't be many more. 

It is so hard to have the responsibility to choose the day that will be his last. I knew it would be any day, but how would I pick a day?? Waiting too long meant letting him suffer, but what if I cut his life short? 

July 13: enjoying a drink in the tub.

July 13: you can really see his face is misshapen now. My poor baby. He stopped eating today and hid under the bed, which he never does. Both are signs the vet told me to watch for, signs of distress and failing health. I made the dreaded call today. 

I slept on the couch with Tigger when ever he wasn't in the bathtub. 

July 14: his last walk outside. 

Today is the day. Mom drove, I held Tigger on my lap. His last car ride was a good one for him. He was always a bad traveller, throwing up, drooling, pooping. Not today! He sat/lay on my lap and was quite content. So content I questioned my decision, but I knew it was only a matter of a day or two and I did not want him to suffer any more.

Darcy and Cameron came along, too. Cameron has had Tigger in his life since he was 3 - 9 years! For Darcy, she's had him her whole life. It was a hard day for all of us.

The vet reassured me that I was doing the right thing. I was with Tigger and they allowed Mom, Darcy, Cameron and I some time alone with him afterwards. Some time to collect ourselves before having to walk out through the waiting room. We brought Tigger straight to Bum's house where Cameron and Bum gave him a proper burial. I made a little marker out of stones. May he rest in peace and chase an endless string in heaven. 

The next day Darcy altered the note I always leave on the door:

I am writing this in September, more than 2 months later, and we really miss him. Darcy was sad to come back home from the cottage and not have Tigger to bring home. I was too! Even Kevin misses him in his way. Eric (his brother cat) is in mourning. He was always a meek, quiet cat and now he caterwauls many times a day. I figure he is calling out to Tigger, looking for him. He was already an affectionate cat, but he seeks even more attention now. We have adjusted to not having Tigger always on the back of the couch to pat as we walk by. Darcy and I have gotten used to not having Tigger join us for story time at bedtime. We have Ollie at the house, too. He is a good companion, too.

Here he is on his last walk outside:
https://youtu.be/zOP847qGRSQ